The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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