Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
