when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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