It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
a search helicopter?!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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