It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
