Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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