time to smoke my breakfast
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
