Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
