Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
