I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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