I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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