Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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