My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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