Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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