Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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