I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
