I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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