what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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