After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
