My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
