mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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