I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
