I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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