I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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