ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
