I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
