You smell like stripper and shame
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
