I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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