at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
