Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
