Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
