Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
