Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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