my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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