THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
