Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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