Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
