She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
