I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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