how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
