dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
