eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Michael Bay diarrhea
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
