So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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