oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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