So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
