I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
