Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
