watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
