She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
