one two three fourrrrnication!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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