have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize