one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
