i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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