Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
