fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
