I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
