Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
