OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
