Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
