i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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