I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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