All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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