dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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