nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
