Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
