dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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