I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
